stay puff marshmallow man

I hate when people give me diet tips. Save your breath. I’m not after tips. I know them all. I don’t need earth mommas telling me to up my fiber intake or keep an eye on those extra sugar grams. I am the lentil queen and sugar makes makes my neck spasm. I don’t eat processed foods. They taste like feet. I don’t like fat because it sticks to the back of my throat. Gross. Salt makes my hands swell. See how healthy I am!!

“Maybe if you didn’t eat a whole steak hoagie …”………. this is my gran talking here………..”those things are too big for a woman. I only have half of one. With mustard and mayo and just a little bit of….”

I haven’t had a hoagie in ten years. what’s she on about? (As a side note, don’t put cheese in front of me. I will swallow it whole!)

My sister-in-law, is a dietitian. She walks and does aerobics. So very eighties. Works wonders. My brother is a fitness freak. The kind who notices serious muscular atrophy when he misses a single weight training session. He has a dozen egg whites for breakfast. Two cans of watered down tuna for lunch and twelve protein shakes in between. Neither of them can do anything with me. The brother just gives me the once over with a single raised eyebrow. Like he knows something i think he doesn’t. He doesn’t. The sister-in-law just smiles and looks like she wants to poke me in the stomach. stay puff. heeeheeheee.

She better not.

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