I’m sitting here eating dry cereal and making my Christmas list. That’s really all there is to it.

1. Bobby Brown Sandy Gold Collection (Bobby is Beautiful.)
2. Diptyque Parfumée Encens Candle. (I love myrrh.)
3. J.Crew Tartan Toggle Coat (Saw it. Want it.)
4. Shavata Brows. (Best. Brows. Ever.)
5. Sephora Antibacterial Brush Set (Please take note.)
6. Vaishaly Cleansing Balm (Balm is better.)
7. Smythson Floppy Manuscript Book (For all those notes.)
8. Mark by Marc Jacob Soft French Purse (Pink and Pretty)
9. Nougat Mirrored Compact. (Audrey Hepburn. Enough said.)
10. Jo Malone Bath Oil Collection. (The more the merrier.)

I try to choose a handful of ‘unread-by-me’ books from this list every year. Novels I would have never otherwise been moved to try on. Like Hilary Mantel’s Beyond Black, a 2005 listee. Or The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Joy Fowler which sounded a little too pink to pick up through any other recommendation. This year I’ll be making a selection from the Non-Fiction list. Leonard Woolf: A Biography by Victoria Glendinning, because I’ve recently developed an irrational fascination with Virginia’s husband. But back to fiction and poetry…

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
The loss of loved ones.
Where would you like to live?
Everywhere. At least once.
What is your idea of earthly happiness?
To be whole.
To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
Idleness.
Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?
Sydney Carton. David Dunn.
Who are your favorite characters in history?
Simon-bar-Jonah. Elizabeth I of England.
Who are your favorite heroines in real life?
Susan B. Anthony. Harriet Tubman. Mother Teresa.
Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
The Slayer. Of course.
Your favorite painter?
Albrecht Dürer. Lucien Freud post-1960.
Your favorite musician?
Depends on my mood. At the moment, David Fonseca.
The quality you most admire in a man?
To quote Proust himself: Intelligence and moral sense.
The quality you most admire in a woman?
Wit.
Your favorite virtue?
Wisdom.
Your favorite occupation?
Authoress.
Who would you have liked to be?
I’ve never wanted to be anyone else. Not really.

1. Neck it. No. Not nekkid. Neck it!

2. Panna cotta. Whoever came up with such a dreadful thing?

3. It’s not climbing into a medieval tower that’s the hard part. It’s getting down.

4. West Virginia. North Carolina. It’s all the same. Mountains and banjos right?

5. So my mom says ‘There’s no need to call. If you die they’ll let me know.’

6. You’ll be constipated for a month. Last time I went, I took a bag of prunes. Didn’t help. At all.

7. Ever got drunk in a 600 year old hunting lodge before?

8. My sister’s at the Concert for Diana. She’s calling me when Take That come on!

9. Two minutes after I met her, she walks up to me and says ‘Get your coat. You’ve been pulled’.

10. Really, I have to be going. One doesn’t keep Lord Webber waiting.

Full Name: Dewey D Payne
Birthday: Dog days of summer.
Birthplace: Bear Town, West Virginia
Current Location: Rather not say.
Heritage: I got Indian blood. And that’s a fact.
Right or Left Handed: Right. But it don’t work so good.
Major Strength: A dashin’ good-lookiness my daddy gave me.
Major Weakness: That same good-lookiness. A burden I tell you.
Fears: Haints
Life Goal: To not raise no kids.
Dream Profession: Another kind of Bill Monroe.
Actual Profession: I aint about capitalism.
Favorite Meal: Anything but onions. I hate onions.
Coffee Drinker: Yes sir.
Favorite Alcoholic Drink: None thanks. Hurts my liver.
Has Character Been in Love: At least once a week.
Is Character Attractive: I reckon I am.
Does Character Think of Self as Attractive: Now, what’d I just say?
Healthy Habits: I sleep alot.
Unhealthy Habits: It aint at night.
Favorite Movie: They Call Me Trinity.
Vices: I got my share.
Number One Regret: Congregatin with ole man Leach.

A Writers Digest Prompt: Character memes.

I like to ponder the human condition and finish the unfinishables. At least that’s what GradSpot reckons. The new life-after-college website wants to help you build a sexier library. “25 Books That Look Good and Read Even Better” is presented in a five-set: revisiting the reading list, intellectualism, dwelling on the human condition, NYT best sellers and the unfinishables.

Revisitations are a given. I’ve read more Twain than any woman has a right to and Hemingway is, well, Hemingway. I’ve pretty much covered ‘pondering’ - I’ll touch on my Stephen Hawking obsession later - but clearly I aint smart because excluding Aldous I’ve only read Nabokov. I’m also not up on my bestsellers. At all. None read. I have no idea what the unfinishables list is all about because who doesn’t finish Faulkner? ??

If I’ve managed to lose you, have a look below and all will be made right. Books to build your library. Whether you read them or not. Apparently.

The best “Time To Revisit It Now That It’s Off the Reading List” book:
The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain
The Sun Also Rises, Earnest Hemingway
The Grapes of Wrath, John Steinbeck
The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand

The best ‘Yes, I am an intellectual. What tipped you off?’ book:
Foucault’s Pendulum, Umberto Eco
Ada or Ardor, Vladimir Nabokov
Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
White Noise, Don DeLillo
The Magus, John Fowles

The best ‘In My Spare Time I Like to Ponder the Human Condition’ book:
The Man Who Mistook his Wife for a Hat, Oliver Sacks
A Brief History of Time, Stephen Hawking
How the Mind Works, Stephen Pinker
The Moral Animal, Robert Wright
The Mismeasure of Man, Stephen J. Gould

The ‘Why Yes, I Do Follow The New York Times Bestseller List’ book:
Blink, Malcolm Gladwell
Guns, Germs, and Steel, Jared Diamond
The Battle for God, Karen Armstrong
The Looming Tower, Lawrence Wright
Freakonomics, Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner

The best ‘Has Anyone Ever Really Finished This?’ book:
Gravity’s Rainbow, Thomas Pynchon
Absalom, Absalom! William Faulkner
A Remembrance of Things Past, Marcel Proust
Ulysses, James Joyce
Infinite Jest, David Foster Wallace

Number of days on mini-break: four
Number of cocktails on mini-break: six
Number of times thought Empire State Building looked like Dutch Pancake House: three
Number of times saw Conan: none

Buffy Holt
28 February 2007

I’ve just been tagged by DevilWoman. I don’t usually play, but DW is hilarious and I’m a huge list maker. Also, I’m feeling rather aggressive today; and I’ve found it’s best not to write memoir type entries when in the throws of anger. Or restless irritation. So here we are. Quirks and things. A tag.

1. I can’t stand for anyone to touch my face. If they do, even accidentally, even during, say, a kiss..I have to wash it immediately. I carry around facial wipes and rose oil in case of emergency.

2. I hate little tiny close together circles. I have to close my eyes and grimace and ’shake it out’ any time I see them. Otherwise, they make me sick.

3. I always eat dessert before the main course because I don’t like the taste of ’sweet’ on my tongue. I once got fat following cheese cake with scotch eggs. I wasn’t even pregnant.

4. Sometimes, when I start talking I forget what I’m saying, but my mouth keeps going anyway.

5. I must finish drinks in an even number of sips, and meals in an even number of bites. I use to have to take an even number of steps … but I’m over that now.

6. If I don’t get 9 hours of sleep I go loopy. For real. It’s a condition. I think. I seldom get those 9 hours. Thus my constant state.

7. I like to put egg whites, raw and organic, on my face at night. Not all night. Just AT night. Because they make my skin look fabulous, they’re better than collagen and they’re hypoallergenic. They’re also much cheaper than Crème de la Mer.

p.s
Devilwoman, I like monkeys too. But that’s another quirk..

Christmas trees and lights, his mother’s ornaments - long, fat and Victorian - wreaths of garland and holly berry winding around door frames and banisters. Wrapping paper and bells jingle belling. Nat King Cole.

Warmed mince pies covered in brandy butter - the kind that clears your head. Sparkling wine and sherry in thick little goblets, lead and heavy. Chocolate truffles - Belgian, flaked. Cheese and smoked salmon and olives and celery. Drinks of cinnamon.

Midnight Mass, smothered in spirit. Candles, mangers and myrrh. The smell of Christmas carols. Deep breaths. Adestes Fidelis. The tingle of it on your skin. Sing: “Children come to the children’s king.” Holy Name.

Christmas Day, presents hid inside the tree. By the fireplace. Morning porridge with honey and almonds. Back into the cold. And the warm again. Turkey and table gifts. Stuffing balls and sausages wrapped in bacon. Christmas pudding, all aflame, heavy cream. Christmas Crackers. Christmas Crowns.

This morning I donned shades and neroli oil. Paid a visit to the Christmas markets. I held my nose against the German bratwurst and breathed in the smell of mulled wine. A Dutchman tried to sell me some cheese. A pair of tiny wooden shoes. Then Santa asked “What do you want for Christmas … little girl?” I was walking by his grotto and he burped and winked when he said it. I didn’t sit on his lap. But I did rattle off my list.

1. Diptyque Bois Cire Candle (Yup. Again.)
2. Tahitian Pearl Earrings (Because I have none.)
3. Trish McEvoy’s Little Black Card (Downsizing’s Good.)
4. Les Jolies Choses Handmade Knee Socks (Black Please.)
5. Bare Escentuals Mineral Veil (Still haven’t tried it.)
6. Vosges Exotic Truffles (Crack for the choco-phyle.)
7. Aspinal Bound Writing Journal (I love the smell of paper.)
8. Prada Suede Platform Slingbacks (This time brown.)
9. Bliss Portolano Cashmere Slippers (Warm feet help me think.)
10. Nokia L’Amour 7370 Mobile Phone (Motorolas are lame.)

Champagne, canapes and chocolate. Of course.