my sister is jack handey

On Romance:

My instant messenger just popped up with a note that says ‘Add Me’. I don’t know what it means. But it sounds dirty.

So he says “But you’ve (bungee) jumped with me before” and I say “Yeah, but I’m married to you now. I don’t have to do stupid things to impress you anymore.”

I use to have one of Jon Bon Jovi’s videos Tivoed. Watched it every morning. Then the husband got ticked off and said I was just using it to get in the mood – so I had to delete it.

On Pregnancy:

I know you’re dreading the whole birthing-process. Labor and all that. But don’t . Honestly. By the time you carry a baby for nine months, you’ll be begging them to take it out.

Pregnancy’s a funny thing. With your first everything is so new and exciting. The anticipation of what ‘might be’ is just…incredible. With the second, you already know. So it’s all ‘I’ve created a life. I’m a creator’. By the third one you’re just like…I get it already! Can we please have the baby now.

On Family:

Our brother use to read romance novels. That’s a rumor I’m thinking about starting.

She was convinced he’d never leave her. Seriously. Why else would she introduce him to the family.

On Intellect:

Eating fish and reading big-worded books should help. That and Zoloft.

I’m not saying he’s stupid. But he looks like he might be.

On Fitness:

Yeah. Whatever. I can’t run. I’ve had three kids. My bladder will fall out.

So some people think I’m fit because I wear a size 2. What some people don’t know…is that I’m a midget!

On Me:

She has this uncanny ability to brainwash her little sister. Honestly. She’s just like you.

Sometimes I listen to the voice mails you leave – and they’re so long – I start to answer you back.