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I agreed to meet Eliza at something called Mancunian Way. She said “Tell the bus driver and he’ll let you know when to get off” and that’s exactly what I did. I had to pretend like someone had a gun to my head though. Like I was James Bond and a baddie with an automatic was saying step this way.

I’m sure it’s not healthy but I don’t care. We all have defense mechanisms. Mine use to be my hair. Now it’s Bond because, you know, I can totally pretend to be a man. I have no problem with that. The spy thing either. The whole ‘imagine everyone else naked’ has never worked for me. Bond. James Bond. Does. It got me on the bus … a double decker.

I sat upstairs and upfront and it was the most exciting thing I’ve ever done in my life. I know. Sad, huh. There was some light left and I could see EVERYTHING. The perfect square houses and the perfect square yards. The traffic lights on traffic poles and the little tiny cars. I could feel my throat close up and I just wanted to laugh because…I’m here! I’m doing it. Me. Buffy. The girl who got too homesick to go away to school…is now away to school.

I’ve never loved being by myself like this. But I do now, tonight. I love being alone. Being in another country. On my own. For good and for ever. I can do anything. If I just act like Bond.

19 August 1998

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